The Notebook

Beyond Earth

2006-08-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

I spent the better part of the last few weeks paying more attention to what's beyond Earth than what's going on here. I followed the NASA feed of the Shuttle mission and the ISS spacewalk. Friday night, I saw Jupiter and four of its moons from a homemade Dobsonian telescope that belonged to the amateur astronomy association I belong to. But what brought it home to me that I'm an armchair astronaut is two things I did today. I went on SLOOH (a robotic telescope on the Canary Islands that you can watch from your computer). While there I listened to Phil Harrington, an Astronomy magazine contributor, teach me so much about SLOOH and about space. I also signed up for stardust@home. After passing training, you help NASA and the Planetary Society study and hopefully find some of the cosmic dust in its sample. It's amazing. When you pass training, you even get a cool certificate.

World REcord Blogger

2006-05-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

I am hitting all my blogs with this message. I think I am the world record holder for most active blogs. A company who deals with these sort of things shall stay nameless here, but they don't believe a blog record has any interest. It does to me and I'm sure to many of you. In any case, I have a 139 active blogs. Beat that. So until someone tells me otherwise, I am the WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR MOST ACTIVE BLOGS.

Too Many Blogs...

2006-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

Nah. Today, I'm feeling stable. Even with almost missing my medicine.

Something that one of my old teachers told me a few weeks ago comes to mind.
He heard me say I was bipolar. He turned around and said, "who's bipolar?" I
said, "I am."
"You're on meds, right?" He was very concerned.
"Yes...You've heard of bipolars, then?"
"yes."

See, bipolars can be dangerous to themselves and dangerous to others.
Especially when I want to knock people's blocks off or mess up stores. I
remember passing some wine bottles at Target and wanting to throw them all
down and make a mess. I was a mess.

So, medicine is important.

You can help me if you want...by reminding me to take my meds.

viv

Pets

2006-02-11T16:10:00.000-08:00

I have a small problem. That's my cat. The whole world revolves around my cat sometimes. I hate to say that because really it often revolves around Beth. Which is good. But my cat, that's not good. I love her to death, but when you buy $30.00 worth of treats on ebay it's bad. That's only two jars. These jars are from Disney. When she finished her first jar which we bought at Walt Disney World (we live in Southern California), we went the next day to California Adventure where we had seen them before. They didn't have any. We went all over the two parks and Downtown Disney but to no avail. What were we going to do? We promised my cat that we would bring her some. So I bought two jars on ebay.

Now today, she attacked me. Why? Because I smelled like dog. Not any dog...Bandit, a very friendly and likable pug. He kept jumping on me and licking my face. Spaz did not like that. Then two very friendly cats (I know that's an oxymoron) wanted attention. Both started purring as soon as I touched them.

Two cats got attention from me even though they tried to run away. (I know I'm so pushy when it comes to cats).

In any case, Spaz hates me playing with other animals. She wants me to be dedicated to only her. But I am dedicated to someone else. Spaz will just have to live with that.

vivien

When You Know You Don't Have Time

2006-02-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

I am manic right now. No, really. I'm bipolar and I'm manic. I'll say that up front.

The reason I say that is I want to work. Now, I'm not allergic to work by any means. Usually I like working when it's fun. But I can think of better things to do than work. Like learning. Or giving. But now I want to work. It just snuck up on me yesterday. I applied to Apple Retail. (I know so much about Apple products). I also am going to apply to Disneyland (where I worked for nine years). I want to be a train engineer. Disneyland has steam trains and I love steam trains. All Aboard!

But then today, I wanted also to be a computer animator for Pixar/Disney, work in the Disney archives, have my own businesses, be a doctor, and be a lawyer. Now go figure. There is not enough time in the day for all this. What's more, I wanted to be a graphic designer. For once I'm excited about graphic design. Now there is a miracle.

Vivien

Letting You Into a Secret

2006-01-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. Six months is unacceptable. Sorry.

Hopefully, you'll feel special after I tell you that I'm letting you into a secret...I am going to start some real sports training. Now everyone who knows me, knows I love sports. But do you know that I've decided to stop being an armchair/couch sports fan and actually start to participate in sports. I mean, really, I felt I should put my money where my mouth is and start playing if I love these sports. This is my second season of soccer...and I plan to add two more soccer days. One at the Upland Arena, and later at the AYSO fields. But I also am trying to start hockey, karate, cycling and golf. I wouldn't mind snowboarding and skiing either.

My regular training is going to be cycling, swimming, tae bo, and weight training plus the other sports. I also am going to drink less Pepsi (big, big compromise), and try to eat better in general. I have tried online diets to no avail. I might try Chris Carmichael's Training program. Anyway, if you have any other suggestions for eating right, I'd be glad to hear them. Wish me luck and join me if you want to.

Vivien

People

2005-08-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

People confuse me. I'm someone who keys into emotions and uses them to predict outcomes. I don't have a lot of experience with them since I feel I've been sheltered plus I just like to stay in the house and stay away from people. In fact, I get nervous and upset around too many people. I have to have mental and physical space. When I read that a writer should have their own place to work that they like, I always think about the table downstairs. It is in front of a big window looking out toward the backyard and since the bottom is low it feels as if you are at ground level. I like to look at all the trees and the birds and sometimes my cat. It's like being outside without the heat or cold. It is also next to the kitchen. And although our kitchen is not trafficked a lot, it is sometimes. Through the kitchen I can hear the television but can't see it...so it can't distract me too much. It's there that my family congregates. What's comforting about it is that I hear the voices so I know I'm not alone but no one bugs me. If I hear something interesting on the television, I can go and watch it. I used to get so much done there. But the big thing is the window...it makes me feel part of nature, part of the big picture. In the room that my computer is now, it is a small window and it on the second floor. It gets hot and I can't see anything except the tops of trees. I would take the computer down to my "dream office" but my family wouldn't approve.

I write this story because it illustrates something important about myself. I don't like people. Voices and the presence comforts me as long as they are a comfortable distance from me. I guess that's why I like instant messaging and email so much, I don't feel like the world is closing in on me.

Things that Annoy Me (Don't do them!)

2005-08-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Notice I only have one exclamation mark...I do not like a lot of exclamation marks unless you are really trying to shout. I don't mind all caps though I do think using them sparingly lends itself to more emotional responses later. But I hate ten thousand question marks after everything because you can never tell what the person is really saying. (This all applies to online writing). Are they shouting at you? Are they making fun of you? Are they challenging you? Really, let's be clear here. I have no idea what you are trying to say. It's not necessary. It only makes it more difficult for the other person to understand and is only going to heat them up.

Also, I hate people who don't signal. How hard can it be to move that bar on your steering wheel? (Is it called a bar? Well, you know what I mean). You are barely moving your hand. Yet, if you don't, I hope you get in an accident so the other person can sue you. It aggravates me. Yesterday, four cars didn't signal, some came very close to getting in an accident. Four, is just ridiculous on one trip. Signal you fools.

There are more, but I'm not willing to talk about them...actually one. I hate people who push. I mean encouragement is important...but people who push and make me do something, really annoy me. The reason is this, everyone should have a choice. When you push someone to do something, you're taking that away. You're taking a fundamental right that everyone has. You have put them in slavery. When you offer a choice and don't push, you wait for them to make the move and you know they are doing it because they want to. Not because they have to. That is something you can treasure more than a forced reaction.

Peace.

Missing Out

2005-07-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

I think I need an office. Just somewhere I can go and look out at nature and do my work. Work consists of schoolwork (sometimes) and writing. I know of somewhere in the house that I love...but I haven't been there in a while. I can't take my computer there because there are some people who don't want that. Its another reason I should buy a laptop. But it gets light, I can look out at the trees and animals, and it's out of the way. I can hear the television and other people and that comforts me. When I'm away from people too much, I get nervous. They have to be there but not be there. Something about them being in the background. I feel that now, I'm missing so much opportunity to work...yet I'm writing now. Is it best to make the most out of your situation or sculpt something that you can work with before you work? I think I will learn to make the most of a situation...

Patriotism, Oh No!

2005-07-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I celebrated the Fourth of July as many other Americans do, I watched fireworks. This seems like it might be against my political views but it isn't. I want the United States to improve. Unfortunately at this event, I felt a horrible stir of patriotism. I couldn't help myself. When I heard Abraham Lincoln's speeches from Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln, I felt ashamed, then redeemed, confused, and worried. Was I losing my belief in my views? No. But nationalism sometimes masks the real truths and goals. I sure will not let it happen to me.

Robbed of Life?

2005-07-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

I happened to be skimming through forum topics and found one that said, "Do you ever feel robbed of your life?" I found it on a bipolar group list. I couldn't believe it. Someone actually felt "robbed of life." To tell you the truth, I feel strengthened. I'm kind of proud of being sick. Do you know why? Because as bad as it sounds, I'm special. I belong to a select group...a group who made it through something serious but have prevailed. The fact that i write my own blogs is a testament to that. I go to a college, I am high-functioning. I know not everyone with my sickness is like that. Some are unlucky, some can't even take part in society the way I can...still they're alive. Sometimes I just want to go to a group home or a hospital and sit in a corner and just stay in my mind, but othertimes, I want to celebrate life. In fact, most of the time that's how it is. So...no, I don't feel robbed of life, I feel blessed.

Gentle Nudge

2005-07-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

All I want is a gentle nudge.
A push in the right direction.
I don't want to be told what to do.
Doing that attempts to insignify me.
You don't take my ideas seriously.
At least enough to trust me.
I just need support and encouragement-
a shoulder to lean on.
A point in the right direction.
Let me ask the questions,
I won't let you down.

Random Thoughts

2005-07-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have been asking around some philosophy students and poking in various research materials (such as Wikipedia) about Freiedrich Nietzsche. The reason, I remember the show Andromeda and how one of the races is called Nietzscheian. I wonder why. Then I saw it. Ubermensch. This race was a tad arrogant but good at everything. That’s what they meant. I know the Nazi’s used this concept to support the Supermen theory, but that’s not what Nietzsche meant. He meant that anyone could reach this stage. They had to work on it. This race did. Why didn’t he just name the race, Ubermensch? Good question. I think it was because Roddenberry wanted to honor Nietzsche for what he did, just as he did when he created Jean-Luc Picard in honor of Jacques Cousteau. Anyway, Andromeda was a great show. Now if they would only honor Sartre.

I have been sleeping in a new room to get away from my room for awhile. But I don’t have a clock in the new room. This has created some problems and also has resulted in joyful bliss. Yes, I am having trouble waking up on time for school. Yes, I am having trouble sleeping in a new environment. But…I have noticed that time stops here. I am so unaware of time that I feel free. It just goes to show that time is more subjective than you think.

Still

2005-07-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

In the cover of the darkness, I wait there. Until the sun comes up and you take me in your arms. Never again will I fear the night. You will be with me. It was so still there before but now the stillness comes from my formerly restless heart. Be still my heart from the racing pulse that I feel when you are near me. Still, I cannot get over you coming to me, loving me with all your heart, and me loving you with all my heart. Still...and forever I love you.

(Don't panic, it's just a descriptive "sketch." I am not hiding anything from anyone. Geez.)

Nobility

2005-06-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am told that intuition is often right, but needs help sometimes, sometimes by illegal means. Does the "means justify the end?" Doing the right thing in a less than just way is not nobility as I've been told. The means never justify the end. If it did, the President would be right...the war would be worth it. Killing people would be worth it. Spying on people would be worth it. Planting evidence would be worth it. Does the so-called "collective security" justify taking away individual rights? These are questions that matter. You should be asking yourself the same? Where do you stand?

Book Smart v. Street Wise

2005-06-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of the difference of what I call “book smart” versus “street-wise.” I have argued that nothing means more in knowing than “street-wise.” Someone responded to me that having something or experiencing something does “not a research project make.” No, but having experience makes up for that, in my opinion. People don’t have to understand all the theories and other steps to really understand the situation, they just have to do it and have experience at it. If you know how to do something you may not be able to describe each detail but you sure know how. Being “book smart” doesn’t make you an expert either. In fact, I argue that being “book-smart” is actually worse…if you know something word for word or from a factual viewpoint you may never know really how to do it until you try it for yourself.

I do however, think a little “book smart” is good for you. It adds to the experience and to your knowledge base. But it is not the mark of a true expert until you experience it.

Tea Rooms

2005-06-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have a good friend who is running herself ragged. She said she needed to return some games she rented to the store. I told her why doesn't she do that and then stop at a tea room and treat herself. To which she replied she didn't like tea. But before that I launched into what a tea room was and maybe I should open one up near her to make a lot of money. I liked the idea of relaxing in a cozy room with a choice of hundreds of teas and light sandwiches and various other high-class fare in a decidedly less expensive situation. I was thinking about a tea room I've been to in old town Pasadena. But then since she didn't like tea, I decided to change it to a coffee house. She likes iced coffee. So do I. Especially ones with white chocolate. That reminds me of a coffeehouse in Long Beach where they even put pictures of your pets that passed away for future generations to see and admire. I like that. So besides a tea house, now I have a coffeehouse. Next to that is a bookstore, the kind that have books on old bookshelves, not even organized...where you sift through them, pouncing on books, and finding rare treasures...not the new-fangled, cookie cutter, huge bookstores. Next to that is a music store...maybe the music store overflows into the bookstore or vice versa. Again, no organization, just the chance to spend time browsing. Next to that is an art gallery, not just the private ones, with openings that have food and wine but also a big museum with priceless treasures designed in a well-thought out building which is architecturally an art piece in itself. And...next to that or across from that is a real Irish pub...maybe without the alcohol. O'Doull's sounds good to me. Next to that, a sports bar that sells hamburgers, pizza and the best buffalo wings. Heck, I'll buy the whole block. Why? Because I miss all this. I miss the coziness, the discovery, the personality. Those things get lost in big cities. Bring them all back, please.

The Social Dilemna

2005-06-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

With my family going through it, I realize there's not much choices, my family makes too much money to go on help from the government and we own a house, though might lose it soon, and where will we go? Can we get government housing? I doubt it. Now, I can help out some so that should help. But what about others? I think the governemnt should have more social welfare programs. Ones that can help someone like us out. We just need temporary help. My dad has two good jobs. My mom her retirement and Social Security. Surely some program in the government can help us out until we can get up on two feet again. In fact, this all started with a ridiculous amount due to federal tax. Taxes should be done on a sliding scale...but how they ever got to this position is beyond me. People need more help now. The economy isn't right for everyone and is hurting some. Are we just going to let citizens go and become homeless? I once saw a young family in San Francisco in UN plaza, homeless. Two children and their parents with a shopping cart of possessions and no home. It was heartbreaking. I thought then that if I ever had the money, I would buy apartments all over SF, then ask those people if they wanted to have a home on one condition...we would help them find a job and train them for one if they needed training. They would get an allowance as long as they were training or actively seeking a job for food, clothing, and other things and they could stay in the apartments as long as they needed...until they got a new place. Why can't the US do that?

Tired of writing?

2005-06-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

Tired of something I love so much? Kind of. I'm tired of not being heard, yes. As one of my friends put it, "got the wind taken out of your sails, did you?" And yes, that's true. There's nothing like someone being unethusiastic about your work to bring you down. Yet at the same time, I wrote that very night. I also wrote and am writing my blogs. It took me about 2 hours of depression to bounce right back. Writing called to me again and even though I was upset, I answered. For me its inspiring. It's about doing what I love...

Renaissance People

2005-06-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

It's about time people started to say Renaissance people instead of Renaissance men or man. There are enough women in the world who fit the description than people give credit to, it's also time to apply equality to the term. History is just littered with too much inequality. Anyway, if there is anything I've noticed about the friends I make, it's that I like Renaissance people. I like people who try a variety of things and end up doing it. I like to talk about many, many topics and I like to learn about them. The more I know about a subject, and the more subjects I know, the better off I am. I'm not saying I'm a Renaissance person yet...but I want to be. I don't know where I wrote it but I'll say it again. If Aristotle or Socrates were still around teaching at the steps of the Parthenon, I would be there.

So You Want to Be a Diamond

A diamond in the rough, you say?
With so many facets, so many sides.
You want to be deep and polished
You want to be valuable

This is hard to do
It takes constant learning and practice
It takes courage...change

I don't take students who shun responsibility
I only take those who believe
But I have picked you to carry on
This tradition, this desire
to keep thinking and creating
Come, and talk to me

This is the conversation I imagine I would have with a Renaissance person. I imagine you will have it to, sometime.

Spiraling Downward

2005-06-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

As I sit in class, blogging instead of watching the original Sunset Blvd by the way, I'm an expert in the subject of serious schooling. What's sad, and what I'm going to comment on, is that there are only 6 people in class 10 minutes in. This is a class with over 20 people in it. It doesn't take much to be here. We are only watching classic movies. Yet, very few come. For the first time, my instructor seems frustrated. They are there to teach. Yet no one comes. To want to give but for no one to receive is one of the worst situations I can imagine. Why should they be here instead of somewhere else where they are appreciated and needed. We should take the giving that people want to give as well as give it to others.

Solar Sail

2005-06-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

I wanted this project to succeed so badly. I wanted to be able to travel across interstellar space fast and cleanly without the added weight and logistics of rocket fuel. I wanted to be able to say that a private organization, dedicated to space exploration managed to outdo governmental agencies like NASA and European Space Agency. I wanted to show our government that despite the constant cuts in NASA's budget, we could still explore space...by an organization that cared. We will get there. I still have so much faith in the mission. Even if the rocket was lost (and Cosmos) with it, the Planetary Society will just build a new one. This is an important mission and a groundbreaking one. We just can't abandon it. I am hoping that like the rover, we will find that the solar sail is alive and well and things are just hard right now. You know, I love the Planetary Society, I'm a member, so I feel part of it. But even if you're not, you gotta love the determination of a bunch of people who are intent on exploring space.

This is about war

2005-06-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

I hate war. I would like everything to be peaceful. I remember a story my mom told me about WWII. A woman was looking for her son, after a round of bombing. She was frantic. Crying...when she asked my mom and her brothers, has she seen her little boy. I imagine that story. It breaks my heart. Because chances were that he didn't make it.

Someone mentioned today that it worked out fine after the US beat Japan and other countries. Did it? Thousands of people died, not just from the convential bombings but from the Atomic bomb...a horrendous way to die. Even now some Japanese suffer the effects of the bomb...deformities, brain problems, and so much more. The trouble is that bomb didn't need to be dropped. Japan was already surrending. The ambassador was on his way. No. The bomb was used to tell Russia to get out of the Pacific. Which they did. I'm not just saying this. There is a book Atomic Diplomacy that cites memos and other documents opened up from the Freedom of Information Act. Everything is supported. You will cry.

Belief

2005-06-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

"You've come a long way baby" I remember those words from a cigarette commercial. I can't remember which one, though. I don't even smoke. I do however, relate to them. I have come a long way. I am feeling much better and even physically feel better. There are still some things I could do better but I still know I'm better than I was. The only thing is no one else seems to see that. I still get criticized for not having a job, not being independent, being overweight, not doing anything with my life or physical. But mentally I feel strong again. I did start a diet and in August I will join a soccer team. It just seems like very few people believe in me. How can I believe in myself when no one else does? I just don't want to be criticized anymore. I want people to be impressed with what I've done and am doing. I want them to focus on the positive all the time because I am trying to do that. I'm very negative but not lately. I have confidence in myself. Why are they taking this away from me? I don't know but I DO know that I am better, I am accomlishing things I set out to do...

vivmonorail

2005-06-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

vivmonorail
Originally uploaded by icemice.

In Fairness to Mr. Bush

2005-06-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I may not be giving Mr. Bush a fair shake. OK. Here is my answer. I agree with him on one point. That's it. I agree the way he is taking the space program...towards Mars. I believe we will have to colonize space sooner or later. Bush may not agree about the colonizing but someone has influenced him to look towards a space station. That's good. He should concentrate on a space station. We are almost there technologically. We could learn so much from one and eventually settle. Can you see a Deep Space Nine or Babylon 5? (Hopefully without the problems. If you want to read more about Star Trek, read www.livejournal.com/~cushka). But we also need to look towards the Moon and Mars. We need to be able to colonize there also. We need the information to learn about our own Earth. What are we doing wrong? What do we need to change? How long we have? Can we change things? We need to see our past and future through Mars. I do think he needs to go ahead and FIX (notice I wrote fix not trash) the Hubble Space Telescope. I know we have several already up there, I know we will have another, but I think we've seen what the Hubble can do and the pictures it sends back. It has already discovered new galaxies, stars, and many other phenomena. We need that information. So that's sort of what he's doing right but I would put more money into it, instead of making big business happy. Oops. That came out. OK. Let's start again. Thank you Mr. Bush for your emphasis on space.

What about Freedom? It doesn't exist.

2005-06-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am talking about gay marriage. I understand that certain religions believe it is a sin and therefore should not be condoned. But this is the United States. We have a constitution that guarantees freedom to everyone. Is is the first amendment. Yet, the government doesn't allow gay marriage. How can that be? That's not freedom. That's selective freedom and that's against our constitution. No one should be able to legislate marriage. How can you tell someone you can't marry this person because they are your same sex? Obviously, they're in love. You can't say, you can't love this person. You can't commit to this person. It seems so obvious but to some people, that's what they believe in. I just say, how can they forget to give freedom. They're tyrants and dictators.

Can't Take it Anymore

2005-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

You probably think this is about life, right? No, it isn't. I can take life, sort of. Everything is looking better except my finances. But what I'm talking about is ants. The ants are trying to take over our house and I hate them. I have no idea what purpose on Earth they serve. Personally, I think none. I am not second guessing God but really, did he have to do that to us? I think it's a plague. Anyway, I used to spray some organic and completely non-toxic stuff that really worked on them. (Called Orange Guard) but now I just can't handle it anymore, so I'm getting tough even though I can't sleep in my bed for a while. I've started using Raid now. Those suckers don't stand a chance. We put stakes in the ground, circled the house with Ant Guard from the hardware store, I hope they all die a slow, painful death, just not in the house.

Legend of The Greats

2005-06-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Someone mentioned something interesting today...he pointed out that many leaders have a legend, a mythos, connected with them. This legend has nothing to do with the real person, who is flawed and human, but somehow the masses see someone different. Someone greater than the real thing. They see a perfect hero, not the tragic hero, or flawed hero of literature. This worries me. No one's perfect. Sometimes we need to learn from other people's mistakes. Some to these leaders made biggies. What have we learned from them when they are perfect? Have we learned that we have to be perfect? Yes, we have. I wish we could see people as great but with their humanity in tact.

The Force and God

2005-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

First of all, big Star Wars fan that I am, I still haven't seen Episode 3. But I will, I heard it is very good. Better than the previous two.

I believe in the Force and I believe in God. Really, I do. In real life. You can't tell me it doesn't exist. I felt it. I felt something guide my actions. I didn't have control. I did what it wanted and yet now, it does what I want. I know this is from God. It is His Force. I can't imagine this kind of power coming from any other source. It is not scary. It is just a new sensation. It teaches me. God teaches me. I am not going to say George Lucas is a prophet or anything else like that. He is just a storyteller who knew something or guessed something. Perhaps it's closer to Zen. But I believe it's God. He is the master and the Guide. May you all experience the Force.

Truth, Justice, and the American Way

2005-06-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

which has a lot to deal with spectacle than anything else. You can not have noticed all the emphasis on celebrities, what they're doing, what they're being tried for, and various other stuff. I don't know if we're just fed that or what. Today, someone gave more attention to someone with the "wow" factor rather than fairness. I know, I know, life isn't fair. I guess not. I wanted to think that life was fair. Call it naive but I really wanted to believe people wanted substance rather than spectacle. Please, mankind, just don't let me down.

Procrastination and Learning Styles

2005-06-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am great at procrastination. Although I don't claim to have found the pinnacle of it yet, I am definitely getting there. Guru I am. This is handy because I learned in one of my classes that I am a right-brain learner and I don't follow schedules very well. This is a great excuse. It is also true though that with my moods, I have heard that I work best in a structured environment. But to top it all off, and negate that is the Dreamer mode that I'm always in. They work best in a low-pressure, free environment. So really, who's right? Well, I don't deny that I'm all those things. I do work well with a structured environment though I'm not truly happy doing that. But if it's too free, I get lost and don't know what to do. I procrastinate to the end. I'm not happy about procrastinating but I do it mainly because I just don't know what to do. But I always seem to get it done. Now though I'm writing on a schedule even when I don't feel like it. I do it to improve my self-discipline. I want to be a writer, and I need to be serious about it everyday. I am slowly working on it with my homework. So far I've applied it to two classes but the third. Well, let's just say that procrastination suits me just fine. It's boring. The class is boring. I will work on it today against my will but I will not be happy.

lowercase typing online

2005-06-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

today i read in a post that someone didn't like people who typed in lowercase online. he thought they were only teenagers in chat rooms and that it was big now. i type in lowercase in instant messages. i know i shouldn't. i know the rules. but it's faster. and speed counts when you instant message. i'm not a teenager and i never go into chat rooms but i love the convenience of speed writing even at the cost of english. everything goes lowercase. there is no favoritism. this is opposite my usual buddy who capitalizes all names and is really good at it. it only mildly makes me feel bad. i'm much faster than her. if all else fails in making me feel good about myself, i read this great answer to that same man who criticized it...e.e. cummings. enough said.

When You Want to Be Irish

2005-06-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

No question about it, I wish I had Irish in me. I am hoping against hope. I am hoping that maybe my last name is a variation of Lennon. But with the name Limon chances are not good. Now, I would like to be Spanish too. But I really want to be Irish. All my best friends are Irish. They are happy, fun-loving, have a long history, and well there are leprechauns there. No, but why is it that so many people want to be Irish? Do they admire the Irish for all the traits I mentioned above? Is it just an honor? Is everyone else Irish?

I know for me. I want to be like my friends. I know that it shouldn't be this way but I admire them for traits like their love for people and life, their intelligence, their fun-loving spirit, their people skills, and for just the way they are. And although you could probably find this in any nationality, because my friends are Irish, I want to be too. I want to come from a beautiful country with beautiful people. A country with strength and loyalty.

But I also am torn. I want to Spanish, Chinese, Hawaiian, French, Canadian and Italian too. Even Brazilian. I even want to be from Costa Rica. But I am working on being most proud of being what I am. Mexican and Japanese American.

Doctors and Holistic Health

2005-06-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

In the past several months I almost wish I had gone to medical school. I think I would be a good psychiatrist, pediatrician or brain surgeon maybe even a neurologist. I think I could find the cures to cancer, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's as just a start. I'd like to do research in genetics and addiction. But the big thing is that I would like to be trained and herbs and alternative medicine. I'd like to try to add those kinds of treatments to the arsenal of the normal treatments. Why? Because I believe it can help people. I don't believe that a doctor or health expert should be rely on alternative medicine exclusively. Sometimes that isn't enough, nor do I believe a health practioner should only use standard treatments. Like everything, a doctor should be well-rounded. My doctors are kind of. I just wish they were more so. I wish I was.

Money and the Learning Process

2005-06-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

I admit it I'm terrible with money. I am constantly being taught that I need to budget and save. It seems that it is the worst thing. I get stomach aches just thinking about it. But now it's bad. I found a school I like after transferring from another school, but now I need a cosigner for my loans. The thing is...I don't have someone who can cosign. It is hard. It is like having the thing that makes me happy taken from me. I sent out a message to everyone I know who might be able to help me but I don't have much hope. It's tough.

I applied to some full-time jobs thinking that I would try to work if school doesn't work out. I still have my history degree and that might help as well as an Associates in graphic design. But I really wanted to write this because maybe it will help someone else. Keep working on your finances even if you're bad at it. I'm way behind on my payments but I keep hoping and working on it. Someday if I persevere I will make it. I know it and I will be the best at it that I can. Just work hard, and if things don't work out the first time use your next best option. Always rely on your friends and family. Not forever but when you really need it. They'll understand.

Cats and Love

2005-06-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

Star Trek had a great line..."you can have too much love too," or something to that effect. Of course, Captain Kirk is talking about Uhura and all her Tribbles. She had said that it was the only love you could buy. These Tribbles purred and made you feel good. And I would like to add, that I'm sure you could also love them and they would love you back. It was clear then and clear now that they based these Tribbles on cats. However, as a cat lover I would have to disagree about some things. You don't buy a cat. They choose you. No decision is yours...don't be fooled. The cat is always in charge. And I don't agree that you can have too much love. Not at all. But I do believe that cats are lovable. And that is the purpose of this post. My cat has given me so much love. She sticks with me through the tough times, she rubs my legs and kisses me when I'm down, and she stays with me to keep me company. I even know my friends who have cats also encourage them. My cat also lets me love her. That teaches me more than anything. She tells me when she needs it, she appreciates when she doesn't and she is patient when I bug her with my loving. Nevertheless, the greatest thing about loving a cat is being able to give the cat love. That makes me happy and content. And you know what it's good practice for loving a person. Which is even more enjoyable and more fulfilling. Share some love with your cat and with those people in your life.

Blogging is the best!

2005-06-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

You know that you are a lemming when you jump on the bandwagon and do something like blogging. However, I love blogging! I have found that it is the perfect venue to express myself and write. I knew I always loved writing but now my passion for it has increased a hundredfold. Just thought I would tell you that. But if you are reading this, you know that. But I want to point out that I told this story to illustrate a point...that when you find something out of the blue by following some leads, it just might lead to something good and enjoyable.